Jessica L. Parnell

God’s word is a tree of life, offering many promises and reassurances through the struggle of grief. Grief is a deep sorrow or emotional pain someone experiences after loss—especially the loss of a loved one. However, there is another common type of grief that does not get much recognition: ambiguous grief. Both regular grief and ambiguous grief are emotional responses to loss, but they mainly differ in clarity and closure. Regular grief involves more closure, for example, when a loved one dies, and there is closure during the funeral. It is final. Ambiguous grief, on the other hand, has no clear closure; it is ongoing. For instance, a parent with dementia is still physically present but is a completely different person. Other examples include infertility, the loss of a dream when it does not come true, losses that are not tangible, such as divorce, or a missing person. These losses are not final; they are ongoing. Regular grief involves a clear loss, and closure is possible. Ambiguous grief involves unclear or unresolved loss, making closure difficult. 

             Pauline Boss is an American family therapist, educator, and researcher best known for developing the theory of ambiguous loss, which explains why some types of grief are difficult to resolve. God is so good to give us insight into loss through His Word. Proverbs 13:12 explains what happens to someone who has experienced a loss: “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when a desire comes it is a tree of life.”[1] When hope is delayed for a long period of time, it can lead to deep emotional pain, discouragement, or grief. “Grief is a normal response to the loss of any significant person, object, or opportunity. It is an experience of deprivation and anxiety that can show itself in one’s behavior, emotions, thinking, physiology, interpersonal relationships, and spirituality,”[2] explains Gary R. Collins in his book Christian Counseling.

            Grief is a natural and permitted response God has given humanity. He has placed the emotion of grief because He allows us to love deeply. When someone or something is lost, sorrow naturally follows. We grieve because we love. This echoes the poem In Memoriam A.H. H. by Alfred, Lord Tennyson: “It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.”[3] Love gives life meaning; relationships, family, friendship, and compassion provide purpose and connection. Additionally, love reflects God’s nature. 1 John 4:8 states that “God is love,” so loving others mirrors God’s design for humanity. Therefore, since God has given us the gift of love, He has also granted us the ability to grieve what has been lost. 

            In the book Untangling Emotions by J. Alasdair Groves and Winston T. Smith, the authors describe how to engage with grief: “Every loss is a broken connection. If you think of your life as a meaningful web of connected people, things, and events, then grief is what you experience when one of those strands is ripped out of the web.”[4] The authors then expand on this idea by suggesting a new way to reconnect with everything the loss touches. They explain, “You will have to reconsider and reacquaint yourself with everything that you associated with what has been lost by identifying, examining, and evaluating the loss in a way that connects you to God and others.” [5]As a person begins to engage with what has been lost, they gain a clearer understanding of what they are missing most. When they examine what has been lost, they can better understand the emotion associated with feelings of fondness or sadness that come to mind and allow themselves to reflect on what they are missing most. Finally, evaluating the loss helps one better understand whether they are grieving in a healthy or unhealthy way.

Taking more of a deeper look into complicated grief versus normal grieving. In complicated grief, the individual can be unwilling to talk about the deceased person, and when they do, a deep and intense sadness can follow. This person can also refuse to interact with others and isolate themselves. They can lean into more habit-forming substances, such as drugs and alcohol, followed by intense busyness and unusual hyperactivity. These are just a few. In comparison to normal grief, “Most grieving people get through the difficult, long process of healing with no special help and often without counseling. The most widely available sources of help are family members, friends, clergy, and physicians.”[6] Normal grief recognizes that not everyone experiences the grief process the same way or on the same timeline. The Christian Science Journal states, “Two important components to the healing of grief are that God as Love is caring for our loved one and also caring for us so our connection to feeling loved has not really been severed.”[7] When the mourner remembers that God is love and that He cares for the brokenhearted as well as for their loved one, it can bring great comfort. In the journal, grieving a loss dream: Understanding the process, the author states, “Grief is many things, but one of the things it’s not is neat.”Elisabeth Kübler-Ross laid out five stages of the grief process, but one must be careful not to be too prescriptive about how grief unfolds in any one person’s life.”[8] Understanding this concept can give the mourner freedom and serve as a reminder that grief is complicated but can be lived out in a Holy manner. Pressing one deeper into Jesus rather than further away. In the article from the Biblical Counseling Coalition, the author expounds on this discovery: “Our care for grieving individuals will vary, but only God can truly strengthen them. Pray that Psalm 119:25-32 would become their prayers, especially “Strengthen me according to your word!” (v. 28). As we cling to God’s Word, our thoughts will shift towards Him, refreshing our souls. Even though tomorrow might still seem dark, one can start seeing a ray of light that didn’t exist before.”[9] As Christians, no matter the loss, ambiguous or not, and no matter how severe the grief is, we have hope. Our Hope is in the resurrection of Jesus Christ.  In the book Biblical Counseling by Dr. Tim Clinton and Dr. Ron Hawkins, harken the individual, “In our deepest moments of grief and loss, we need only look to Him on the cross and realize that He understands. He alone can heal the wounded heart.”[10] The hope and gratitude of Jesus stand as one of the best attestations to both griefs. When one’s heart is broken, it is normal and natural to feel sad and mourn; it can be used as a beckoning to the cross of Jesus. God gives a reminder in His Word in 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14, “But I do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning those who have fallen asleep, lest you sorrow as others who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who sleep in Jesus.”

Guiding someone through grief requires patience, care, and compassion. Often, they need someone to listen and be there for them during difficult times. Some counselees can feel lonely as they walk the path of sorrow. However, most of the time, they need help finding their way toward healing. 

When guiding someone through the healing process, there are three main starting points to help them manage their grief. 

First and foremost, leading someone to the cross is essential. If the mourner does not know Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior, the gospel should be shared. Sharing the gospel with those who are hurting must be done in a kind, caring, and compassionate manner—never forcefully. Showing them their need for Jesus and sharing the truths of Scripture is very important. People who are grieving would find comfort in Hebrews 13:5, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” This is a powerful promise from God, reinforcing His constant presence, love, and protection over His children. When such a truth is shared with the wounded heart of the griever, it can bring great comfort if they are willing to receive it. Additionally, guiding the individual through Bible study methods and teaching them how to pray, if they do not already know, is helpful. This may involve encouraging them to get a prayer/grieving journal, which is very useful in sorting through emotions. Prayer journaling provides a visual reminder of how far one has come. It allows them to look back on occasion and see God’s hand guiding them, helping to slow down their prayer time and meditate on Scripture. Furthermore, explaining the importance of Scripture memorization is crucial. When the counselee feels lonely, sad, or out of sorts, having Scripture memorized can be a significant source of comfort. Psalm 37:4 commands believers to “Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and feed on His faithfulness.” Memorizing Scripture is a way of feeding on God’s faithfulness, offering a constant reminder of His love for His children. In Gary Collins’ book, Christian Counseling, he states, “The Bible says a great deal about death, the meaning of life, the reality and promise of eternal life for believers, the reality of hell, and the pain of mourning. These biblical truths can be comforting, especially if they are taught and understood before the grieving process begins.”[11]

            Secondly, when someone experiences a significant loss, it can be tempting for them to withdraw and isolate themselves. This behavior can be harmful and should be recognized immediately. If this happens with the counselee, it is crucial for the counselor to encourage them to leave their house and seek community or fellowship. Taking the active step is essential for the healing process. The counselor can suggest places and groups, such as getting involved in church, volunteering at a homeless shelter, a pregnancy center, grief share classes, or a food bank. Moving forward in the healing journey is vital. Proverbs 18:1 states, “Whoever isolates seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment.” Isolation can cause someone to reject wisdom. Biblical wisdom recognizes that growth occurs through counsel, community, and correction. By refusing advice, correction, and community, they oppose wisdom and good judgment. Isolation could lead the individual down a destructive path rather than one toward life and healing. 

            Thirdly, caring for one’s mental, spiritual, and physical health revitalizes the soul. When focusing on mental health, the counselor encourages the counselee to be mindful of the self-talk running through the brokenhearted. When someone is struggling with self-pity, negative self-talk, or even their self-image, it is important to advise them to take those thoughts captive to the Lord and replace those thoughts with the truth of God’s word. Believers are commanded to meditate on God’s word day and night; continually reflecting on, speaking, and applying scripture fosters a deeper walk with the Lord and brings peace. Caring for one’s spiritual health involves studying, meditating on God’s word, and praying, simply asking God for His strength. Finally, caring for one’s physical health is essential. It is proven that when someone feels their best, it is because they have taken the time to look their best. This can include, but is not limited to, eating healthy and exercising. When you make time to exercise, it can lessen the intensity of sadness, anger, and anxiety. This doesn’t erase grief, but can help make it more manageable. During times of grief, workouts often do not need to be intense; they can be as simple as a walk, light strength training, Pilates, swimming, or cycling. Often, these activities can calm the mind and help regulate emotional trauma. Lastly, it is highly important that the individual takes time to make their bed each day. This allows each day to become a new day and a new adventure. It reduces the temptation to stay in bed each day or to crawl back into bed after already getting up. Making the bed gives one a sense of accomplishment first thing in the morning and allows them to climb back into bed refreshed at the end of the day.

            Grief is an emotional rollercoaster that can be painful at times. However, viewing grief through the lens of scripture, it’s clear that God can use it to strengthen the believer’s faith and union with Him. When dealing with grief, it’s crucial to have a support group to help navigate the unexpected twists and turns grief can bring. Experiencing grief from any loss, whether it’s normal grief or ambiguous grief, should not be rushed. Grief has no set timeline or warning; it is a natural response to the loss of something or someone. Take time to feel it—cry, scream, pray, feel the pain—then stand up, wash your face, and take the next step, whatever it may be. Put on the full Armor of God and STAND FIRM in the STRENGTH of His MIGHT!

BIBLIOGRAPHY

Clinton, Tim, and Ron Hawkins. The Quick-Reference Guide to Biblical Counseling. Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books, 2009.

Collins, Gary R. Christian Counseling: A Comprehensive Guide. Dallas: Word Publishing, 1988.

Fergerstrom, Madison. “Grieving a Lost Dream: Understanding the Process.” Seattle Christian Counseling. May 19, 2022. https://seattlechristiancounseling.com/articles/grieving-a-lost-dream-understanding-the-process.

Groves, J. Alasdair, and Winston T. Smith. Untangling Emotions. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2015.

Park, Lilly. “Grieving Broken Dreams.” Biblical Counseling Coalition. June 2, 2017. https://www.biblicalcounselingcoalition.org/2017/06/02/grieving-broken-dreams/.

Renoult, Yvonne. “God’s Care in Times of Grief.” The Christian Science Journal. February 2025. https://journal.christianscience.com/issues/2025/2/143-02/god-s-care-in-times-of-grief.

Tennyson, Alfred, Lord. In Memoriam A.H.H. London: Edward Moxon, 1850.

The Holy Bible, New King James Version. Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 1982.

[1] All Scripture taken from The New King James Bible (Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 1982).

[2] Gary R. Collins, Christian Counseling: A Comprehensive Guide (Dallas: Word Publishing, 1988), 466.

[3] Alfred, Lord Tennyson, In Memoriam A.H.H. (London: Edward Moxon, 1850), section 27, line 43.

[4] J. Alasdair Groves and Winston T. Smith, Untangling Emotions, (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2015), 188.

[5] J. Alasdair Groves and Winston T. Smith, Untangling Emotions (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2015), 188.

[6] Gary R. Collins, Christian Counseling: A Comprehensive Guide (Dallas: Word Publishing, 1988), 477

[7] Yvonne Renoult, “God’s Care in Times of Grief,” The Christian Science Journal, February 2025, https://journal.christianscience.com/issues/2025/2/143-02/god-s-care-in-times-of-grief.

[8] Madison Fergerstrom, “Grieving a Lost Dream: Understanding the Process,” Seattle Christian Counseling, May 19, 2022, https://seattlechristiancounseling.com/articles/grieving-a-lost-dream-understanding-the-process.

[9] Lilly Park, “Grieving Broken Dreams,” Biblical Counseling Coalition, June 2, 2017, https://www.biblicalcounselingcoalition.org/2017/06/02/grieving-broken-dreams/.

[10] Tim Clinton and Ron Hawkins, The Quick-Reference Guide to Biblical Counseling (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books, 2009), 134.

[11] Gary R. Collins, Christian Counseling: A Comprehensive Guide (Dallas: Word Publishing, 1988), P. 483